dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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