what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
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There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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