so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Text me some of your sweat
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
