Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
