wake up i wanna do it froggy style
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
