I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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