Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
