Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
