Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You left your underwear on the fireplace
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
