Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
