Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
