Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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