I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
