I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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