maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
