well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
