I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
