I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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