Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
