my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
