wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
