I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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