you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
