you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
