I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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