The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
