I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Randomize
