You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
