Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
