So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
