Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
