her vagine was all disorganized.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
