I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
