I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
