it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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