i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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