I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
