Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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