I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
