Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
