every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
