There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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