Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
