I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
