and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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