hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
