how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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