i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
