Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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