is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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