it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
foreskin is a definite game changer
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I need to calm my uterus...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
