Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
