Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
