i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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