then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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