i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
