He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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