I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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