Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
