I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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