I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
