Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
