There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
