FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
