how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
